1 800
by Dancing Feather
Summary: When a late night commercial advertises weapons of doom, how can Zim resist? :This ended up more canon than I realized, hope that doesn't upset anybody:
1. 110010000101

I own Invader Zim as much as Jhonen Vasquez owns my dandruff.

**Chapter 1: 711 or 911?**

"-and I grantee it will last longer than your pet dog Spot!" Spoke a man with a goat beard because goat beards symbolize evil. A flashy red ands blue background to conjure seizures came on and off when the certain tag lines appeared. His hand waved to what was a cat that had balded and mutated into something with horns, five eyes, and almost nuclear. "Call now! Before this thing eats me!" The man looked nervously over to the feline.

"Why did Bunnies have to die?" Gir sniffed holding his dear, steeped on, run-over earthworm close.

"Ugh! Please call! Get it away from meeeeee!" The man screamed as the mad cat decided it was time to feed upon the living. Blood began spewing, covering the camera screen, "call, AUUGH!! 1-800-NOOoooo!!"

"BLARGH!" Gir screamed to the TV, standing on the couch. "Phat woman is in trouble! Must, find-"

"Gir!" barked Zim from the kitchen.

"-me-e-e-e-e!?" Gir ran over and hugged his master. Zim's upright figure slacked against the small embrace. With a long sigh, he then stiffened up and pushed him back with a hand.

"What are you doing Gir?"

"I'm calling 9-11!" Gir squeaked and ran towards the telephone to make a call to the nearest 7-11. Hey, even I had confused myself with those two once.

"It doesn't work anymore Gir." Zim Nazi walked over to the couch, grabbed the remote and turned off the TV as three teens from a medical center dragged the goat man into an ambulance, yes this is still the commercial. "I destroyed it after the 36th prank call from the big-headed Dib. That constant deep breathing bothers Zim greatly..." But Gir proceeded to try making the hopeless call as he was shoving it into his mouth.

"Can'th I eat tish desserth kuwaitly?" He attempted to make puppy eyes which were pretty good for a robot, but it would have been more effective if he were wearing his dog costume.

"No. Get that out of your mouth now, Gir." Gir then decided to scream into the atmosphere causing Zim's antennae to drop low to his head and cover them with his hands. "Gir! Stop this now! The hyumans are going to think we're not normal!"

"Ahhhhhhh!! I neededith ifs soos needly! If-" Gir began choking on the phone parts, because he didn't chew his food. Those who don't chew pay with their lives! Zim's arms dropped to his sides as he stared at Gir for a moment. _'Robots choke?'_

"I'm beginning to think the reason for your malfunctioning might be because of the Earth's ozone, Gir." As he removed the metal head to get a better hold of the object logged inside. "I will destroy this 'layer' on Earth. The hyumans keep saying they need it to live; and yet, they continue to make it worse! So in such as it is a weird coincidence as it is, I will assist the hyumans to their so deserving doom that they so do deserve!" Zim then pulled out the saliva covered smashed phone and held it high in the air. "Bwahahahahahahahahah! I'm so clever! Zim shall- ugh!" as saliva began dripping on him. "Ewww! Gir, Zim is not pleased!" As he threw the phone out the window Gir always kept open. You know, for 'fresh' air.

"Bless my beans, a talking alien!" Laughed Gir who's head was then kicked out the same window.


	2. It Was Long

**Chapter 2: It was Long**

It wasn't long before Gir had put himself on the couch facing the TV again. And it wasn't long before Dib was sneaking into Zim's yard, to see why the operator said the line was dead. Gir began stroking his nonexistent ears when he heard Dib's cries of help and the sound of lasers. Five minutes into the chaos Gir notice the sound of a squealing pig outside. Instantly concerned, he went to check as Dib's cries became horrible screams of horror, because what the Gnomes where doing to him was really that bad.

"Gir, help me! These guys have to be cheating at poker..." Dib hissed over to Gir, who was now examining the grassy floor for oranges. "...they are too good!"

"Ther'a programed ta beat ya silly!"

"So...?"

"**I have 12 aces, you loose again hairless monkey. Prepare to die."**

"Nooooooo!" He screamed (obviously), "Can't we play another game? That was soooo sort!" Dib tried smiling friendliness and hopefulness but it turned out looking like he was in severe pain. The Gnomes looked at each other, silents between the lot of them.

"**How about..."**

"Please, I'll give you anything!" Dib cringed as the gnomes rose their plasma guns at the large, sweating forehead. "I'll even give you my whole collection of Mc. Meaties vampire toys if you let me go!" They froze.

"**Whole?"**

"I have every single one that has been released!"

"**Including the elusive Van Helsing with the elusive black hat?"**

"Yes!"

"**It has no life, this worm thing." **One turned to another.

"**Lets put it out of it's misery." **The blank pupils flashed red to the other one.

"**Agreed."**

Despite loathing the show with all his heart, Zim rose the volume of 'The Scary Monkey Show' to its near maximum, so the harsh breathing of the ape could drown out the noise outside.

"How is Zim suppose to work under these conditions?" He roared, but was far from a good enough volume to be heard compared to the television.

"WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO THE SCARY MONKEY SHOW AFTER THESE MESSAGES!! KARGH! BOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!" As the television exploded, throwing Zim into the couch that sailed into the next house back.

"Ugh..." groaned Zim, each limb he moved came with a pair of cracking noises. When he opened his awesome maroon eyes, he noticed the ugly neighbor lady's television. Small? Yes. Quality bad? Yes. But he needed something to distract Gir from ruining his plans a little less while he figured out who to fix his once prized flat-screen.

His body still shaking from the impact, he seemingly picked up the small telly with ease as he hopped on and over his couch unaware as blood steady came from underneath and the peeking pudgy hand grew paler.

And the chapter got shorter.


	3. Like a Raider's Game

**Chapter 3: I Pity this Story **

"Look! Look!" Dib cried out to anyone who would listen, "An alien! He's stealing a television!"

"Dib, I thought we were over this!" Zim placed the television in the black hole on the floor, "You will address me as Almighty Zim, not alien! That is not a normal name for a normal child!"

Or so he said.

Dib squinted maliciously as Zim pressed a button causing a cover screen to hide the real damage the house was in.

"Oh come on Zim! I'm smarter than that!" Zim heard as he looked over the new television's cords and wires. Dib thought _'Screw this!'_ and ran up to the corner of the house where the broken wall was hidden. He continued running because he thought it was a hologram. The pain he received soon after the blow told otherwise.

Zim didn't hear the screaming and shouting outside, he had just finished setting up his new telly and was watching some new program. Gir had joined him along with a stack of toast and jam. He stopped when he heard the doorbell. He then opened the door.

"What gives?" said Dib with a bleeding nose and forehead.

"Huh?" Zim said with thought.

"Isn't your house a hologram?" he used his shirt to wipe some of the blood away.

"_Duh._ What planet are you from?" Zim rolled his eyes, but Dib wasn't sure because Zim's eyes did not have pupils. He also did not have eyebrows.

"The same one you are trying to concur!" he cried.

Zim then gave the same courtesy to Dib he gave to anyone who wasn't Zim, he slammed the door in Dib's face.


	4. Because the Scottish can fix anything

**Chapter 4: No Good**

When Zim sat back on the couch he realized it was covered entirely in crumbs. Brushing off what he could to the floor below he called for his slave servant.

"GIR!"

"Yes master?" Gir chimed as zipped away from his third love, the kitchen. Couch came in at number one, television at two, so the author assumes that kitchen would be number three. Zim doesn't count cause he's Gir's lord and master. So if he was a number, he would be zero. Like what the kids apply to Dib at skool.

Zim tilted his head slightly to the left as he was sure he could hear a faint popping noise inside of Gir's head. It could still be just his head wigging out still from the explosion, but he had to make sure,

"Gir, what-"

"Yes master?"

"What is that-"

"Yes master?"

"G-"

"Yes?" Gir slipped to his master's feet, letting his big blue eyes almost touch the much larger and superior red ones. "Maaaaaasterrrrrr?" Zim closed his eyes, hissing escaping his lips. Git- I mean, Gir giggled as he was reminded of something that hissed. Your Earthlings, you were probably reminded of a snake.

Gir was reminded of Sean Connery.

Since the popping noise continued and was louder now that Gir had broken Zim's personal servant space he was sure his brain wasn't making it up. There was another personal space, and Dib broke that every time he let Zim know he still existed.

"Gir," he sighed, "what am I hearing?"

"I'm making popcorn!" he squealed as he moonwalked away from Zim.

"This is no time for celebration!" he smacked Gir's head causing the top to pop off causing slightly popped corn to spill on the already crumb covered floor, "Now look at what you did!" he kicked Gir's back sending the little robot into the mess, "Clean this up now! Immediately!"

But that didn't deter Gir at all, in fact, he began to do the backstroke. That caused Zim to lose it and began screaming at the top of his lungs. The bottom part was being used for something else more important. Computer, sick of living with drama queens, began to clean up the mess itself.

"Master, if you would please shut up for a moment, I think you will like this broadcast."

Listening to one of the few voices of reason on the show, Zim shut his trap and looked at the stolen screen,

"Are you short?" began the advertisement.

Zim grimaced.


	5. Two titles for the possible price of one

**Chapter 5: A Lot of Dialog**

**~OR~**

**Chapter 5: The Plot Finally Decided to Show**

"Do you hate life?" continued the man on the screen.

"I hate other people's lives." Zim corrected.

"Okay," the man started again, "Do you wish to do something about it?"

"Zim isn't wishing, he's trying to do something about it!" he growled, the man took a step back. In the television.

"Are you not succeeding in life?"

"Who's asking?"

"I am." the man blinked.

"Are you Dr. Phil?" Gir giggled.

"No." The man quickly placed his hand over his mustache.

"I think you aaaaare!" The metal thing hugged itself.

"What if I might be him?" the man narrowed his eyes, "What's it to you?"

"I love your show!"

"Creepy man!" Zim ordered, shoving Gir aside. "What do you have for me?"

"Weapons of mass destruction."

"Zim likes weapons." He smirked.

"I like destruction!" Gir shrieked.

"Shut up!" Zim hissed to Gir who sniffled. Eventually glaring at Gir long enough, the little robot burst into tears and ran away from the scene. Never to be spoken of again in this chapter. Zim kicked the popcorn on the floor for no other reason than to claim lost territory. "So, mustache man, what do you have for me?"

"If you call this number below, your dreams will come true!"

"How do you know? I never told you my dreams!" Zim whimpered. The man ignored him and just pointed to the bottom of the screen.

"Call in the next twenty minutes and we'll throw in some free stuff!"

"What?" Zim gasped as he took a step back, "Unbelievable!"

"Believe it." The man grinned as he continued to point at the number. Zim ran and grabbed the phone. "Uh, your phone is unplugged."

"Don't worry, it'll still work." Zim dialed the number.

"That doesn't make any sense." said the commercial on the television.


	6. How most phone conversations go

**Chapter 6: Brief (Like My Updates)**

Zim had a horrible time on the phone. It seemed to ring forever and when it was finally picked up, it turned out the woman Zim was screaming at was not even a real human- a robot.

"So, what do you do on Saturdays?" He purred, a complete change of attitude.

"Press 3 for lethal weapons and 6 for really lethal weapons." The machine kept up it's cold shoulder. Zim pressed 6 six times. He was sure she'd/he'd/it'd like that.

"Your eyes remind me of lifeless orbs." He continued.

"Please press 2 if you are within city limits." He/it/she droned on.

"You knows, if yous are goin' to cheat on me at least make an attempt to hide it!" Gir screeched, ripping his arms off with surprising success. Both Gir and Zim stared at the wiggling arms wrestle each other to the ground.

"I've never seen such a one sided arm wrestle match before." Zim blinked.

"Me tooo..."

"Please press 4 if you are outside city limits..."

After the door had been slammed into Dib's face he decided to find another way in. Luckily, the window was open. "Hah! You thought you shut me out Zim?" He cheered, waving his hands over his head.

"AUGH!" Zim shook his free hand. "Curse you Gir! What did I say?"

"Gir's very sorry master, but I haven't the ability to close windows no more."Gir 'shrugged'. Zim and Dib paused as they waited for the studio audience to finish their noise of empathy.

Zim pressed 6 again.

"So when can I expect the very lethal weapon delivery? This evening, really? Splendid. When can I see _you_, however?" Zim frowned as the machine hung up on him.

"Weapons?" Dib gasped before noticing the condition of the Earth phone. "Wait, how are you calling on that?"

"By pushing the buttons." Zim scoffed. "Duh."

"Don't worry, it doesn't make much sense to me either." Said the commercial on the television.


	7. an arm and a leg

**Chapter 7: What Constitutes as Not Lethal?**

"You're getting lethal weapons?" Dib ignored the television. "From whom? Are there more Irkens on this planet?"

"Please Dib!" Zim laughed. "It will only take one Irken to take you on!" Unbeknownst to Zim, hearing this made Dib feel a lot better. On the inside, where it counts.

"Then who?" Dib pressed, but not with an iron. He knew whoever it was had to be nearby, because they were going to give him the weapons tonight. But how was he going to stop them? And if he couldn't stop them, how would he stop Zim from dooming everyone once he got his greasy Irken hands on them? _Well, _he thought, _I might as well go the reasonable way... and beat Zim up!_

"Have at you!" Dib cried as he leaped at Zim's face.

"Wait, what will I be having?" Zim shouted over Dib's shouting as they began to wrestle around on the floor. Gir's arms picked themselves off the floor and reattached themselves.

"My fist!" Dib grinned as he punched it into Zim's very sharp teeth.

"EWWW!" Zim cried.

"OWWW!" Dib wept.

"YAY!" Gir cheered. You could say it was rather late. Or right on time, depending on your sense of style. Zim pushed Dib off of him for the last time in this fanfic before spitting Dib bits on the floor. Dib wrapped what was left of his hand in what was left of his jacket.

"You never fail in-" Spit. "disgusting me," Spit. "do you?"

Dib only wept some more.

At this moment, Gir realized that his arm reattached themselves to the wrong shoulders.

"Don't... don't think you will get away with this!" Dib warned past his tears which had already been mentioned. Zim disagreed with Dib and told him so.

"No, you're so very wrong Dib!" He grinned. "I think I'll get away with it as much as I like!" And he was right, Zim was free to think what he wanted.

There was a knock on the door and Gir's right hand answered it.

"Uoy pleh I nac?"

"Yes you can." The heavily suited, sunglasses wearing man said without a hitch. "Is this the house that ordered really lethal weapons?"

"As suppose to kinda lethal?" Zim probed, but not in that way.

"Yes." The man's glasses were shiny. Gir believed it was love at first sight.

"This is the house!" Zim grinned, waving his arms around to show the house. The house was embarrassed. Dib however, was not.

"No way!" He pushed himself off of the ground. "Don't you see it? He's an alien!"

"Alien or not, you are all under arrest for the attempt to do something lethal to the public." The man whipped out his handcuffs from his back pocket.

"Hey, aren't those my sleep-cuffs?" Said an unsure boy.

"Yes, and they work like a dream." The man smiled as he proceeded to arrest everyone in sight.

It was then Dib finally won for the first time, but at a dear price.

"That makes sense." The television advertisement sad sadly.

* * *

I don't even know where to begin to apologize. I started this story when I first came to ff net and it went hiatus immediately. Considering how cheap the story and writing is, that was no excuse. I would've just dropped this all together if I didn't make the promise to finish what I started. I'm sorry if I frustrated anyone. My last wish is that it still gives a laugh, no matter how little.


End file.
